Parva fabula, pars nona

Latina:
Ita in hortis ludentes, Adam Lamiaque feliciter vixerunt ad fines temporis. Duobus horis, sabbatum finivet, et fuit proximus dies, et Dominus missit requiescere; et paratus est de nihilo ad multitudinem creatandum, velut de nihilo formans omnes. Caelum inde descendit forma Sancti Spiritus, et velut columbus erat qui super paradisum Eden volaret, plenus potentis maiestatisque.

Deus deinde Adamum et Lamiam in pratis iacentes despectavit, qui foedo cum peccato intertexti sunt qui Dominum irritarent, quoniam Adam pravo cum homine erat, homine alio nondum creato, et Deo non placebat. Ecce ira Dei grandis erat, fecitque ut vox magna in caelo crepet primum in historia hominis, et Adam, qui inter creatione absoluta, offensus terretusque caelum suspexit.

"Quid accidit, O Lilith mi simi?" Adam tremens inquit, nam deinde miscebat flamen qui fragorem comitaretur.

Lamia suspicebatur factum potente divino esse, atque plena metus, et non Adamum correxit eam non simia esse. Celeriter respondit Adamo, "O, certe nihil fuit, sed ecce hora. Iam vesperascit, et in cubile dormiendum mihi est."

"Cubile quid est?" inquit Adam.

"Vale!" Sine responso currebat Lamia ad arbores, et antequam confusus Adam plus dicere poterat, intra silva ea abivit.

"Quid erat? Bone Domine!" Adam dixit.

"Salve?" Vox tonitro in responso resonavit quae paradisum Eden concuteret, sed Adam cognoscebat eam vox Dei esse, quem imprudenter vocaverat. Non expectans responsum hominis, vox murmurabat. "Sentias te magnopere velle dormire, Adam. Nunc cupias tu somnum."

Iuncus commotionis Adamo statim vanescuit, et pro ea venit cupido dormiendi quae fecit ut homo in somnum decideret. Non stertuit, nihil tamen in iugulo habens ut spirandum impediret.

Homine dormiente, Deus.coepit hominis secandi causa. Ungues Sancti Spiritus primo cutem hominis diffindit, Deusque, arbitrans se requirere manum tertiam, fecit et eam extendit in apertura cruenta ubi stabant intestina hominis membra. Comprehendens os idoneum, manus Sancti Spiritus ungues torsit hocque fragmentum ossis velut serra secavit, spargans farinam ossium in organis vitalibus. Sic est, Adam posterus cancrum contracturus erat, sed nunc non pertinens est.

Osse extracto, Deus accepit acidum desoxyribonucleicum (ADN) hominis quo clonem hominis facere posset (et ut structura sceleti Adamo milibus annis posthac concisura certissime esset).

English:
So, frolicking in the garden, Adam and Lilith lived happily ever after. Two hours later, the Sabbath ended, and it was the next day, and the Lord ceased to rest; and He was ready to create a multitude out of nothing, as He had moulded everything out of the void. Hence, He descended heaven in the form of the Holy Spirit, and like a dove he hovered over Eden, full in His might and majesty.

Then God looked down at Adam and Lilith lying on the meadows, intertwined obscenely, and this angered the Lord, for Adam was with the wrong person, because the other man was not yet created, and his behaviour did not please God. Behold, the wrath of the Lord was great, and it caused a great noise to rumble in the sky, for the first time in the history of man, and Adam, who was relaxing amongst perfect creation, looked up in shock and horror.

“What is happening, O Lilith monkey?” Adam said, trembling, for then a gust stirred accompanying the thunder.

Lilith guessed that divine power was at work, and thus was filled with fear, and failed to correct Adam that she was no monkey. She hastily answered Adam, “Oh, I’m sure it was nothing, but look at the time. It is growing dark already, and I must to bed.”

“What’s a bed?” said Adam.

“Goodbye!” Without a response, Lilith ran toward the trees, and before the befuddled Adam could say anything more, she was gone within the woods.

“What was that about? Good Lord!” Adam said.

“Yes?” A thunderous voice boomed in response, shaking Paradise Eden, but to Adam it was recognizably the voice of God, whom he had inadvertently called. Not waiting for the man to respond, the voice droned on. “Thou feelst very sleepy, Adam. Sleep now dost thou desire.”

The rush of excitement in Adam vaporized within an instant, and in its place came a drowsiness, which caused the man to fall down into slumber. He did not snore, there being nothing in his throat to constrict his breathing.

With the man asleep, God began the process of operating upon Adam. The claws of the Holy Spirit first ripped through human skin, and God, realizing that He needed a third limb, created one and extended it into the bloody aperture, where the man’s organs stood. Taking grip of a suitable bone, the limb of the Holy Spirit flicked its talons and sawed off a bone piece, scattering bone-meal everywhere on the man’s innards. Adam would of course contract cancer because of this later on, but that is irrelevant for now.

Having extracted the bone, God has gotten ahold of the man’s DNA with which to clone a new person (and ensured the collapse of Adam’s skeletal structure a few millennia hence).

Parva fabula, pars octava

Latina:
Probabiliter vos me cogitatis scelestum dirumque scriptorem esse, nunc quia scribo me recantare omnia quae scripsi vulgavique, et relinquere dubitationem indiciaque actorum futurorum, et vos duxisse ut erraretis in nullum in loco. Dirum scriptum, exclamatis vos, et cur fecis quod fecis; sed quaeso ut me audireatis et scite bene me sub impulso Mali fuisse, et non optionem habuisse ut scripsissem quod voluerat; non enim est fictio sed verum et historicum. Ho recanto fabulam quam creavi et promitto me soli Verbo Dei. Bona nunc fide sum; iuro per poenis mortis, verus futurus sim.

Ego vos irrideo. Nunc argumento manebo quod exstruxi.

Nunc Lilith in mundum descendit, in paradisum Eden ambulans. Illa forma viri erat, et veneficiis est usa sese ut lepida videretur esse oculo mortali. Quidem ut per mirabilem hortum ambulabat, animalia agitata sentibant et in oestrum fiebant; et futuere coepiunt. Lamia digitos traxit de medio suorum capillorum blandorum, coccineorum velut sangue et silvestribus velut herbis ferorum (etsi neutrum nondum in mundo novissimo erat), dum Adamum hominem accedebat. Salax risus in homine inculcavit ut is altus staret. Salutationes mutaverunt.

Ait Adam, "Eheu, vel, salve," quo Lamia respondit, "Salve, care."

"Quae es? Tibi non antehac obveni, et tu es similis parvo simio quondam meo adiutori. Esne fortasse utrum frater an alias cognatus?" rogavit Adam.

Lamia dixit, "Minime. Nomen Lilith est, et Ille me missit ut deinde tuus adiutor sim."

Adam dixit, "Ille qui?"

Lamia dixit, "Illum, scis. Quidam. Ille-Cuius-Nomen-Non-Locutendum-Est (sive loquar, fulmine occidar, nam ego mala sum.)"

Audiens male murmurem quod Lamia fecit, dixit Adam perplexus, "Ille-Cuius-Nomen-Malissimum-Est? Per Dei iucundum nomen, quid praedicas?"

Vox nominis Domini Dei fecit ut Lamia anhelaret. Celeriter imperium Satana invocavit quod in Adamo seminatum erat ut parvo tempore mentem caperet. Ait ea, "Dediscas illud. Missus sum ut novus adiutor fiam. Adiutorium cupis ut paradiso Eden provideas, non?"

Fascinato, Adam oculis caliginosis et stupefacto ricto innuit. In mente, futurum mirabilem tanto cum bello exspectabat; non curae sibi est unde qua illa venisse.

English:
Ye must think me a villain of a poor scribe, now that I write I wish to retract all that I have written and published, to abandon the suspense and hints at future action I have set up, and to have led you on a futile chase into a dead end. Atrocious writing, ye exclaim, and wherefore hast thou done as thou didst; but if it pleaseth you, know full well that I was under the influence of the Evil one, and had no choice but to write as he desired; for this is not fiction, but truth and history. I hereby renounce the fairytale that I have created and pledge myself to only the word of God. I am in earnest now; cross my heart and hope to die.

Just kidding. I will now continue with the plot I had set up.

Now Lilith descended into the world, walking into Paradise Eden. She was in the form of a man, and she cast magicks on herself to seem appealing to the mortal eye. Indeed, as she walked through the perfect garden, animals began to feel excited and rut; and they began to reproduce. Lilith ran her fingers through her striking hair, scarlet as fresh blood and wild as weeds (though neither yet existed this early in the world) as she approached Adam the man. Her lurid smile impressed upon the man, and he stood up. They exchanged greetings.

Adam said, "Whoa, I mean, hello," to which Lilith replied, "Hello, dear."

"Who are you? I have not met you before, and you look somewhat like Little Monkey my former helper. Are you perhaps his brother or cousin?" Adam said.

Lilith said, "By no means. My name is Lilith, and He has sent me to be your next helper."

Adam said, "He who?"

Lilith said, "He, you know. You-Know-Who. He... He Whose Name Must Not Be Mentioned (or I shall be struck down by lightning, for I am evil)."

Mishearing the whisper Lilith made, Adam said in bemusement, "He whose name is evil? By the jolly name of the Lord, what do you mean?"

The mentioning of the Lord God's name made Lilith gasp. She quickly invoked the power of Satan, which had been planted in Adam, temporarily to enchant his mind. She said, "Never you mind. I was sent here to become your new helper. You want a helper in tending to Paradise Eden, don't you?"

Having been bewitched, Adam nodded with hazy eyes and a dopy grin. In his head, he began to look forward to a fantastic future with such a good-looking partner; never mind where she came from.

Parva fabula, pars septima

Latina:
Tempore eodem in caelo, Deus secum dixit de parvis insidiis Diaboli contra mundum creatum.

Inquit Pater, "Nunc Satana Parva vult res dirimere, sed velut excogitavimus est nobis mansurum sine mora."

Filius concordavit, dicens, "Formabimus vero hominem secundum, contemptis labores Mali."

Spiritus Sanctus sub divo volabat, alis plaudens.

Pater dixit, "Verbum creat, mi fili. Quid excogitavisti?"

Filius dixit, "Eripiemus ex homine ipso ut secundum hominem creemus et non eundem sed magnopere dissimilem creabimus."

Pater dixit, "Dic plus mihi."

Filius dixit, "Vero, estne similis cui fecimus omnibus animalibus terrae?"

Inquit Pater, "Tu sapis. Cur homo dissimilis est cum eum formavimus? Sentimus effugium argumenti."

Filius locutus est, "Ecce hoc colloquium memoratur scribeturque ab quodam seducto ab quo seducit ut seducat."

Dixit Pater, "Non est bonum memoriam falsam datam iri."

Sic Spiritus Dei in mundum iactus est, et explevit hunc scriptorem humilem casi divini ut correctionem facturus sum cui scripseram impulso Diaboli.

English:
Meanwhile, in heaven, God spoke to Himself regarding the Devil's little scheme against His creation.

The Father said, "Now Young Satan wisheth to disrupt matters, but we are to proceed as planned without delay."

The Son agreed, saying, "Verily, we shall mould the second man in spite of efforts of the evil one."

The Spirit hovered in the air, flapping His wings.

The Father said, "The Word createth, my son. What planst thou?"

The Son said, "To make a second man, we shall take from man himself and create one not selfsame but differing greatly."

The Father said, "Tell me more."

The Son said, "Really, is it not like what we have done with all the animals of the earth?"

The Father said, "Thou art reasonable. Why was man any different when we created him? I sense a plot loophole."

The Son said, "Behold, this conversation is being recorded, and shall be written down by one deceived by the Deceiver to deceive."

The Father said, "It is not good that a false account will be presented."

Thus, the Spirit of God was cast into the world, and filled this humble scribe of a divine encounter, that I shall revise what I had written falsely under the influence of the Devil.