Parva fabula, pars sexta

Latina:
Cum Diabolus turpius excelsa descendisset, in culo calcitratus ut celeriter abiret, tamen contendebat ut ostentatioem venustatis conservaret pro exercito daemonum suorum.

Baphometus daemon Satanam accessit, non videns culum contusum eius, et dixit, "Ave, noster dux summus. Quod novum nobis refers de excelsis, O Nocifer?"

Celerrisime in solio sedens ut nemo vexationem videre posset, respondit Diabolus, "Omnia est quam optimum sine nobis in caelo. Sed laborem habemus quem exigere debemus, nam hodie adhuc dies domini est ubi Deus requiescit."

Rogavit Asmodeus, "Quid est quod faciemus, et quare?" Sua verba inter aliis daemonibus resata sunt, nam multi tamen Satanae iracundi erant propter exitium quod eis fecit.

Dixitque pater omnium peccatorum, "Nunc habemus spem, par pro pari referemus, hominem corrumpemus."

Asmodeus, cornibus glaucis flagrantibus igne, multo odio dixit, "Quomodo? Forma serpentis quae inferma verba spuebat? Ego dico nobis ut bellum gessuri simus contra paradisum Eden!"

Diabolus dixit, "O stulte humilisque daemon, qui nihil scis! Nescisne me occulte magnaque cum sapiente laborare? Finivi tibi loqui." Et volvebat ad quandam animam malam cuius nomen erat Lilith sive graece Lamia.

"Cara Lamia mea, hoc opus tuum est." Diabolus subridebat, aperiens dentes albos. "Cras Altissimus Deus hominem de osse hominis faciet, qui auxillium Adami erit. Volo te ire prae illo auxillio. Fac quod facere debes ut eum illaqueas."

Lamia, leaena noctis cuius ignes cupidinis malae furebant, accepit quasi provocatio fuerit.

English:
Although the Devil had descended heaven rather disgracefully, having been kicked in the backside that he might leave quickly, he nevertheless strived to maintain an air of grace in front of the host of his demons.

The demon Baphomet approached Satan, not seeing his bruised backside, and said, "Hail, our highest leader. What news do you bring back from heaven, O Nocifer [bearer of darkness]?"

Very quickly sitting in his throne so that no one could see his discomfort, the Devil responded, "All is as well as it can be in heaven without us. But we have work which we must complete, for today is still the Lord's Day when God is resting."

Asmodeus asked, "What is it that we are to do, and why?" His words were echoed amongst the other demons, for many were still resentful toward Satan because of the ruin he caused them.

And the father of all sins said, "Now we have a chance, we will pay Him back in kind, we will corrupt man."

Asmodeus, his grey horns flaring with fire, said with much hatred, "How? By the form of a snake that spat feeble words? I say we wage war against paradise Eden!"

The Devil said, "O you foolish and lowly demon, who know nothing! Did you not know that I work in mysterious ways and with great wisdom? I'm finished talking to you." And he began to turn to some demoness whose name was Lilith.

"My dear Lilith, this work is yours." The Devil smiled, baring his white teeth. "Tomorrow God Most High will make a human from the bone of man, who will be Adam's help. I want you to go before that help. Do what you have to in order to snare him."

Lilith, the lioness of the night whose fires of wicked passion burnt wildly, accepted it as if it were a challenge.

Parva fabula, pars quinta

Latina:
Dominus igitur Iesu Filium appellare continuit, nam Filius Verbum erat et ipse erat qui notiones clara voce fatus est.

"Emmanuel mi fili, dic mihi quem cogites Adamo bonum adiutorem facturum esse."

Dixitque sine mora Iesus, "Noster quondam angelus secundus tamen custos Adami est. Eum vocemus rogemusque." Itaque Spiritus Sanctus sic fecit ut invitaretur.

Satana catulum edebat et arbores veneno interficebat. Deinde in excelsos vocatus est. Sensum non dulciorem transiti ferrente, multa sine volupte deposuit Diabolus pedem catuli et Deo dixit, certum facens verba perverse pronuntiare, "Gloria in excelsis Deo Patri et Filio et Spiritui. Beatissimus sum obire me meum Dominum, sed quare sum relatus paradiso unde rogatus eram ut relinquerem?"

Spiritus Sanctus propter superbiam alapam pampino dedit tante cum vi ut Satana taceret.

Fatur Iesus, "Quod Adami custos es, te vocavimus ut nobis diceres quidnam sentires. Homo adiutorio simile sui eget. Dic nobis quod sentias, si sentis."

Diligenter Diabolus dixit, "Parve scio, sed optimum homini ipse est. Non sentio eum adiutorio egere," nam cupivit hominem solum solacio carere, credens tales insidias satis esse ut Deo nocerent.

Nuntiavit tum Dominus, "Sic, est dictum esse adiutorum optimum homini ipsum. Sit ita ipse.

"Faciamus hominem alium ad nostram imaginem ne Adam solus sit."

Diabolus obtulit, "Heia! Sit nomen Stephanus."

Illi dixit Deus, "Haud."

English:
The Lord therefore decided to speak to His Son Jesus, for the Son was the Word and it was He who spoke the thoughts aloud.

"My son Emmanuel, tell me whom thou thinkest will make a good assistant for Adam."

And Jesus said without delay, "Our once favourite angel is still Adam's guardian. Let us summon him and ask him." And thus the Holy Spirit made it so that he was summoned.

Satan was eating a puppy and killing trees with poison. Then he was summoned to heaven. Enduring the none-too-pleasant transitional feeling, the Devil put down the leg of the puppy without much pleasure and said to God, making sure to mispronounce the words, "Glory to God the Father, the Son, and the Spirit in the highest. I am most happy that I'm meeting my Lord, but why have I been brought back to the paradise from which I was asked to leave?"

The Holy Spirit slapped him with a tendril for his insolence with such force that Satan stayed quiet.

Jesus said, "Because thou art Adam's guardian angel, we have summoned thee that thou mightest tell us what thou thoughtest. Man needeth a helpmeet. Tell us what thou feelest, if feelings hast thou."

Carefully the Devil said, "I know little, but the best thing for man is man himself. I do not feel he needs help," for he wished for the lonely man to be without comfort, believing that such treachery is enough to harm God.

Then the Lord announced, "Yea, it hath been said that the best help for man is man himself. So let it be he himself.

"Let us make another human in our image, that Adam may not be alone."

The Devil offered, "Oh! Let's call him Steve."

To that, God said, "Nay."

Parva fabula, pars quarta

Latina:
Itaque Deus hominem dormiendem videbat, viditque eum se complecti. Sapientissimus sibi cogitabat, "Adam solus videtur esse. Non bonum nobis est. Conemur invenire ei adiutorium simile sui." Ita Dominus expectavit hoc adiutorium in paradiso Eden.

Primo parvo simio venit, nam simius similis homini sollersque erat. Aestimans, Deus eum spectavit et rogabat, "Requirimus adiutorem Adamo. Potesne ei dare omnia quibus eget?"

Simius respondit, "Ita! Possum ulla facere!" Sic Deus simium Adami adiutorem fecit.

Duobus diebus Adam venit Deo et questus est, "Mi Domine, cur istum contemptandum simium misi? Quandcumque dormivi, iste stercus in meo vultu facebat! Et si excitavi, stercus ad me iacebat! Non ferre possum!"

Suspirans, Adam dicere mansit, "Sive culus parvior est. Colei saepe contundebantur inter femoribus sine cupidite quandcumque fututi summus. Postea autem verpa semper lita merda est."

Haec auditis, Dominus iratus simium amisit et profectus est ut alium adiutorem expectaret.

English:
And so God was watching the sleeping man, and He saw that he was hugging himself. The Most Wise One began to think to Himself, "Adam looks to be lonely. That is not good to me. Let's try to find a suitable helper for him." So the Lord was looking for this helper in the Garden of Eden

At first he came to the small monkey, for the monkey was similar to the man and clever. Estimating, God looked at him and began to ask, "I require a helper for Adam. Can you give him everything that he needs?"

The monkey responded, "Yes! I can do anything!" so God made the monkey Adam's helper.

In two days, Adam came to God and lamented, "My Lord, why have you sent this despicable monkey? Whenever I slept, he made poop on my face! And when I awoke, he threw poop at me! I cannot bear it!"

[redacted]

These things having been heard, the Lord angrily let the money go and set out to find another helper.

Ronaldus Paulus?

Ronaldus Paulus, qui Anglice vocatur Ron Paul, est homo repraesentans Congressu Civitatum Foederatarum Americae. Cum ille in Factione Republicana, quidem corona conservativisma de rebus communis, sit, videtur habere multas sententias contra factionem suam.

Sive ita est? Paulus non bellum cupit, sed pacem rationemque mavult. Adventus Pauli hoc anno cursu pro praeside rem novam fecit, praecipue in Interrete, ubi multi homines putant Paulum esse ipsum salvationem ex Georgio W. Bush et periculosis bellis.

Sed Paulum ego non amo. Puto eum periculosum esse. Cum Paulus vir rationis videretur esse, ecclesiam religionemque veretur nimium. Aluit enim leges qui C. F. A. patriam imperiosioram facere conati sunt. Omnia fecit in nomine civitatum contra foederatam gubernationem, et accipitur sine mora. Amantes Pauli cultum hominis noti gerent potius quam vera principia democratiae.

Parva fabula, pars tertia

Latina:
Postquam Deus Adamam fecisset, Satana eius custos remanebat esse. Olim quondam angelus illo venire constituit, nocere volens. Nesciens vero daemonem esse, homo serpentem vidit esse aliud animal quod appellare debiturus erat. Vir serpenti venit et dicebat, "Ave, animal sublime." Serpens, suspendens in arbore, subridebat, ut loquebatur nesciens vir.

"Quid agis? Dic mihi, quaeso, quod facias ut tibi idoneum nomen dare possim," rogavit vir, nam datus est officium ut omnia animalia terrae appellaret.

"Ave, O dilectande homo, et salve! Magnus animus sum qui vocatur Lucifer filius aurorae! Habes nomen melius mihi?" respondit serpens mala.

Perplexus, vir quaesivit, "Habes iam nomen? Sed Dominus me iussit appellare omnia animalia terrae, tacens exceptiones. Quomodo exciperis ex ceteris?"

Tum Satana exclamabat, "Nescivi te nescire! Ita res est, natus sum priusquam es. Nescis me, mi amice. Senissimus optimusque omnium sum, potentissimus et sapientissimus, surgens prae omnibus."

Vir perplexior fiebat et solum isdem verbis referre potuit, dicens Deum quam potentem et cetera esse.

Satana consensum simulavit et subito discessit, iubens Adamam salvere. Sed in hac breve mutatione est male volens vox tradita in pectorem hominis.

English:
After God had made Adam, Satan remained his guardian angel. Once, the former angel decided to come to that man, wishing to do harm. Truly ignorant of the demon's existence, the man saw that the serpent was another animal which he would have to name. The man came to the serpent and began to say, "Hail, noble animal." The serpent, hanging in the tree, smiled down on him, as the unknowing man was speaking.

"How do you do? Please tell me what you do, so that I can give you a proper name," the man asked, for a duty was given to him to name all the animals of the earth.

"Hail, sir worthy of esteem, and hello! I am the great soul who is called Lucifer, son of the dawn! Do you have a better name for me?" The evil serpent responded.

Perplexed, the man asked, "You already have a name? But the Lord commanded me to name all the animals of the earth, mentioning no exceptions. How are you excluded from the rest?"

Then Satan began to exclaim, "I didn't know you were ignorant! Of course, I was born before you. You don't know me, my friend. I am the eldest and best of all, rising before all, the mightiest and wisest one."

The man was becoming more confused and could only answer with the same words, saying how mighty God was and so forth.

Satan feigned agreement and suddenly departed, bidding Adam farewell. But in this short exchange, a malevolent voice was seeded into the heart of man.

Parva fabula, pars prima parsque secunda

Latina:
In principio erat Deus, et Deus erat apud se, et Deus erat ipse, et ibi habuit exercitum angelorum. Cum Deus dux exercitus sui esset, secundus princeps erat, qui ipse appellatus est Lucifer filius aurorae. Numquam comprehenditur cur ille appellatus sit filius aurorae potius quam filius Dei, qui ipse erat. Fortasse eius nomen verum numquam sciviemus. Sed digredior...

Olim Deus Lucifero dicebat, "In caelo multum otii est. Aliquid novi facere volumus." Dominus suo secundo rogavit quod facere posset. Suggestus est Lucifer primo ut Deus omnia deleret ut, omnibus gloriam ostendens, iterum omnia moliretur. Haec auditis, plenus clementiae beneficiique omnibus, Deus firme recusatus est.

Tum miratus scintillans filius aurorae est Deusne creare aedificium quam pulcherrimum et iucundissimum, atque deinde mille plus creare omnibus angelis, vellet. Haec sententia grandis Domino placebat, sed Deus putavit eam animi carere. Recusato bis, Lucifer sentiebat se infelicem.

Postremum, magno cum plausu exclamabat Deus sic: "Scimus! Faciamus vitam novam ad nostram imaginem. Eum appellabo hominem, nam is satis sapientiae habebit ut omnibus creatis praesit. Talis humana sententia!" Deprehenso verbis Domini, Lucifer tacebat, etsi sua lux minuebatur acriter, nam in se minima planta contemptionis bono Dei crescebat.

"Eumque faciamus defensorem terrae," inquit Deus -- sed Lucifer non audivit, quod plenus ira fuit -- "Is deinde defensabitur ex malo quod crescet."

"Etiam eius nepotes ipsi custodias habebit, unam pro quoque. Mei angeli illos conservabunt dum illos in caelum vocaturi sint. Et tu prima eris, quod meus secundus es.

"Ita locuti summus et ita sit factum, quia ego Dominus tuus Deus sum quem verentur civitates."

Millia annorum transierunt, et Lucifer filius aurorae adolescevit Satanaque pater malorum omnium factus est.Multae rationes fuerunt cur Lucifer tam plenus ira Dei esset, sed in summa erat simpliciter Lucifer superbior. Gessit bellum contra Deum, sed facile Dominus eum de caelo iecit tanta cum vi ut mundus, qui nondum exactus est, tremeret in vitam.

Lucifer enim magna stella cosmi erat et multissima parvioria astra in manibus habebat. Dictum est quidem spatium, ubi Lucifer omnesque angeli se sequentes fuerant, gurgites atros vel chaotum ipsum tum fieri, quando quondam filius aurorae deiectus est.

Sed illo eidem tempore Omnipotens hominem creabat. Dominus uno digito sinistrae manus Satanam deicit, formabat pulverem manus eaedem digito altero in corpus. Tum dicabat, "Quod hoc nocte cenabimus? Quiddam humanum in humo faciemus. Fames adsummus; sic eum Adamam appellemus."

Sic est Adam natus. Deus eum fecit, de cena cogitans et iacens daemones de caelo. Sed ita res est, tamen erat Satana custos Adamae omnis ossis...

English:
In the beginning there was God, and God was with Himself, and God was Himself, and there he had an army of angels. Although God was the head of His own army, there was a second-in-command, who was called Lucifer [star of the morning], son of the dawn. It is never understood why he was called son of the dawn rather than son of God, which he was. Perhaps we will never know his true name. But I digress...

Once God began to say to Lucifer, "There is much leisure in heaven. I wish to do something new." The Lord asked his favoured one what he could do. Lucifer at first suggested to God to destroy everything that he might, showing his glory to all, build everything again. Having heard these words, God, full of mercy and kindness for all, firmly refused.

Then the sparkling son of the dawn wondered whether God wished to create a structure as beautiful and pleasing as can be and then even create a thousand more for all the angels. This lofty thought was pleasing to the Lord, but God thought the idea lacked a soul. Having been refused twice, Lucifer began to feel wretched.

Finally, with a great clap, God exclaimed thus: "I know! I shall make a new life in my image. Him I shall call homo sapiens, for he shall have enough wisdom to preside over all created things. Such a refined thought!" Surprised by the words of the Lord, Lucifer remained silent, although his light was diminishing keenly, for in him began to grow a very small seed of contempt for God's goodness.

"And him I shall make the guardian of the earth," said God -- but Lucifer did not hear, because he was full of anger -- "He thereupon shall be guarded from the evil that will arise."

"His descendants themselves also will have guardians, one for each. My angels will protect them until such time as they are called to heaven. And thou shalt be the first, because thou art my favoured one.

"Thus I have spoken and thus let it be done, for I am the Lord thy God whom nations fear."

Thousands of years have passed, and Lucifer, son of the dawn has grown up and become Satan, father of all evil. There were many reasons why Lucifer was so full of ire towards God, but in all Lucifer was simply too prideful. He waged war against God, but the Lord with ease threw him down from heaven, with such great force that the world, which has not yet been completed, trembled into existence.

Truly, Lucifer was a great star in the heavens, and he held in his hands very many lesser stars. It is said indeed that the space where Lucifer and all the angels following him had been then became black holes or chaos itself, when the former son of the dawn was cast down.

But at that same time, the Almighty One was creating man. The Lord threw Satan down with a finger of His left hand, and moulded dust into flesh with another finger of the same hand. Then He began to say, "What shall I eat this night? I will make something refined in the soil. I am almost hungry; thus let us call him Adam."

So Adam was born. God made him, thinking about dinner and throwing demons out of heaven. But of course, Satan was still the guardian angel of Adam's every bone...