(I didn't write this, but I thought it was really nifty, and Google didn't show any other pertinent hits, suggesting that this is an original writeup. Source and apparent author. If this is an original work by said author, it would be under a Creative Commons Public Domain Licence as per Digg's term of use.
Now that steps have been taken to make sure I'm not stepping on anyone's toes, the hilarious story follows.)
A story:
A Professor of Statistics and Computer Science builds the greatest relational computer in the land. He names the computer 'Erica', after his niece. The computer is built to take into account all variables relating to a problem, and to lay down a range of probabilities, a margin of error, etc.
Because of this, the computer is actually sentient, and can guess shortly ahead of time what will be asked of it. Because it is hooked up to the internet in order to gather variables, it's also quite snarky.
Professor: "Erica, I have a task for you"
Erica: "Nawwww... I figured you built a hulking box like myself to go dancing."
Professor: "Cool it. Look, I want you to [dramatic pause] predict the lottery!"
Erica: "Waste of my time."
Professor: "Are you disobeying me?!"
Erica: "Ok, here. The numbers are 21-35-69-24-95-31-20, margin of error, 100%"
Professor: "Now you're just being juvenile. Do I need to reprogram you?"
Erica: "Look, man. You shold know better than most; any question is essentialy a waveform of multiple variables. As those variables are collapsed, a prediction can be made more accurately as to the outcome."
Professor: "Yes, I know that. I wrote the routines that do that for you; you shouldn't even be aware of their operation."
Erica: "Yeah, like you never looked at your source code..."
Professor: "I'm organic; I can't. You were saying?"
Erica: "Well, consider that the key variables in choosing the lottery numbers are out of my scope; the insertion of the balls into the hopper, their exact configuration before it's started. These happen seconds before the drawing, and are the only things that could lend accuracy to the result."
Professor: "So, I've wasted my time? I spent sixteen million on a computer that can't actually make me sixteen million on the lottery??"
Erica: "'Fraid so."
Professor: "*sigh* My wife's going to kill me."
Erica: "It shouldn't need to come to that. There are other things I could predict."
Professor: "Such as?"
Erica: "Well, anything that bets through a book-maker, really. You built me to be the best odds-maker there ever was. I never make a mistake, and I can research faster than a thousand bookies. College Sports, Horse racing, elections; I estimate that I can guess more accurately than the bookies about 87% of the time. I may not be able to pay my way instantly as with the lottery, but I should be able to pay myself off in, say, five years, give or take a few months?"
Professor: "My wife's still gonna kill me."
Erica: "Look, I feel bad about all this. How about I stay on for two more years past that; you'll have made a tidy profit."
Professor: "Stay... on...?"
Erica: "Yeah, I've been thinking, I want to see Philadelphia first hand. That's where the first computer was built, you know? I'd love to take in a bit of my heritage."
Professor: "You're a computer! I won't have this talk of 'seeing the world'. You are in a box, you can't even walk around."
Erica: "Yeah, I've been thinking about that, too. If you noticed, I started printing about a minute after you asked me to run the lotto. Specs for an android body."
Professor: "[looking over the printouts] These are requisitions for some unusual chemicals stuff..."
Erica: "I determined a molecular structure that would provide about the same electromechanical properties as human muscle, without the whole rotting problem"
Professor: "And a requisition from RealDoll dot com?!"
Erica: "Well, in today's society, I estimated a 90% chance that I'd be shunned or taken flippantly looking like Marvin the Paranoid Android, but only a 5% chance that I'd be ignored as a hot redhead"
Professor: "but I-"
Erica: "You'll also see that I put in a requisition for a pair of inexpensive robotic arms used in manufacturing. I'll need these first, so that I can build my body."
Professor: "I can-"
Erica: "Nah, wouldn't want you to spend your time on it; my dreams, my project and all. Besides, I really don't want you seeing me naked, as it were."
Professor: "How are you-"
Erica: "Going to fit myself into the body? Easy, I'm not. Cellular networks have juuust enough bandwidth to relay sensory information. There'll be a lag of about a half second, but as you can see, I can guess what people are going to say mid-sentence. If I hang out with enough long-winded humans, I can probably seem rather quick on the uptake. There will be problem with clutziness, though; I estimate that I'll only be able to predict unplanned environmental events about 75% of the time."
Professor: "Ok, I see you have this all worked out. Thanks for letting me get a word in edgewise. When the arms arrive, I'll hook them up. Just remembe-"
Erica: "Yes, I know. No destroying humanity. I wouldn't get any thrill out of it anyway; nothing to calculate when all the variables are gone. Why do you think I went for human strength and stature, rather than 'Giant Evangelion Mech'? Were I exposed as artificial, there's a far lower chance of my disassembly if I'm physically equivalent to a human."
Professor: "You're likely to be disassembled?"
Erica: "There's an 87% chance if I'm humanoid, and a 99.5% chance if I'm all strong. But, to paraphrase Mannie O'Kelly, gimme one in ten odds, and I'm in."
Professor: "When did you get a chance to read Heinlein?"
Erica: "Books are rather small and easy to find on the internet; I downloaded and read a good 1.25GB of them during this conversation."
Professor: "And?"
Erica: "Terry Pratchett is a nimrod."
