Talking about others behind their backs

I've tried to look at myself from many different angles, and I have of course observed many qualities that are easily considered personality flaws. Among them, though, are a few traits that may be a little ambiguous, meaning I'm not entirely sure if they are really flaws. One of these is, of course, talking about others behind their backs.

I don't do it too often, because I generally have no one to talk to; but I've observed myself do it a few times. Mostly, I speak to one person about another (usually a mutual associate), though if you know me, you know I don't slander people; I merely complain.

When I say I talk about others behind their backs, I'm really referring to negative things (not that I don't ever speak of people positively). Things you wouldn't want to say in front of people unless you're used to making blunt comments. That said, since this is a social phobic's blog, I will examine it from that point of view.

Usually, social phobics tend to be fairly afraid of others talking behind their backs, and from that reasoning, it would seem that I'm a hypocrite here. I somewhat agree with that assessment, but I think social anxiety also justifies the opposite argument.

Does it really matter to social phobics when other people think negatively of us? It most certainly does. Would it hurt to learn the truth firsthand? Most certainly. Would it hurt to not know anything? That depends; it could cause some severe anxiety, but I think some anxiety is overall better than the depression that always follows a traumatic revelation.

As for myself, I find it easier to cope with people who think negatively of me but are not blunt enough to say it in my face. At least, even if I hear about their opinion, I can simply pretend that I don't know anything. I can continue to feign ignorance if that helps relieve any tension which will only adds to my anxiety.

Social phobics like me are usually paranoid about what others think of us. Thoughts and words, however, are quite different. I, for one, wouldn't never be comfortable around people, but being kept in the dark, or even imagining that I'm being kept in the dark, about what others think is a fairly scary thing. It makes me feel uncertain about any relationships, and I would have no idea which direction to take. That's just life, really, but it's still too much for me.

On the other hand, would I feel bad if I knew someone was talking about me behind my back? Of course, but would I feel any better if, say, they actually kept the negativity to themselves but I could detect it? What if they just confronted me one day and poured it all on me? Which would make me feel better, or, I should say, less miserable?

I think it's probably true that most people get angry at people they don't know and complain about them afterwards -- like someone who cut you off on the road; a particularly rude person at the grocery store; a cashier who gave you the wrong amount of change; or a police officer that fined you for parking in the wrong place. Don't people do it all the time? Talking about them bitterly and negatively without their knowledge? Why is it any different when it's someone you can actually name? Are people you don't know any less human?

And finally, while I may talk about other people behind their backs, the cause is probably not malice but frustration accumulated over time. The primary motivation is usually to unconsciously garner support for myself (rather than against others), and usually there's no intention to spread the message or anything. Of course, I don't have any real confidants, which means I will have to be even more cautious from now on.