The wild world...

Today, I was on the train, and finally out of the house after my partly self-imposed, 12-day solitary confinement. It was a dentist appointment, so I guess it didn't really break my current record. I went to the mall, walked through the whole place, stood on the escalators awkwardly, and generally endured a lot of dreadfulness. The appointment was nothing big, just a little polishing and some fluoride. A good thing about going to the dentist is you don't really get to talk, and they don't really expect you to say anything intellegible. When they ask questions, usually they'll just put words in your mouth the next second. I suppose, though, it's because they're rhetorical questions. "How're you doing?" "You okay there?" Oh yeah.

It was the return trip that was the most upsetting experience. I haven't been to that part of the mall too often by myself, so I didn't really know of any shortcuts or anything. I just walked on and on blankly, my head dizzy all the while from all the exposure, the noise, and the people walking by, never giving me so much as a glance. That felt good and bad, but I'm not a logical creature; I focused on the bad foremost. With those kinds of overwhelming, overpowering sensations, I was of course not myself; awareness was gone, adrenaline high, and plenty of brainpower down the drain.

I don't know if it was my subconscious steering me off for some reason, or if I was just too strained to think clearly, but I missed the large, mostly empty hallway right in the middle and instead went where all the people gathered. Great, and now I got to bump into people. Awkward and embarrassing. And you know what I couldn't stand doing? Turn back, and go to the hallway. Of course, how much unnecessary stress would that cause?

Because there were so many people, I had to slow down behind a group of young people around my age. It was horrific, and I had to go even slower just to avoid them noticing my presence. Still, I survived and got through. Eventually, I found my way to the first floor and was about to get out of there. However, an impression still lingered on my mind. I just saw so many people, and some of them just carried with them a natural appeal I could not really resist. All I could do was glance once, maybe for half a second, and move on, never to set my eyes back on where they didn't belong -- knowing fully well that the fantastical only exists within the realm of the fantastical. A dizziness would come over me and make me want to just fall down and never get up. And I really wish I could, but it couldn't and can't happen. The wild world is too cruel. The wild world does not tolerate that. The wild world demands conformity, stoicism, and obscurity.

I survived again, and with every passing moment felt a little weaker. I got out to the bus station, but the sign said the bus was not accessible at the time. Fair enough. I would hop on the SkyTrain and walk home from the station. Nothing could stop me from wading through the crowds again. Right?

So once I was in a train car, which like all others was small, but thankfully not particularly crowded. I saw some seats, but I wouldn't take them because quite a few people were rushing in behind me. Once they all settled down, there were still spare seats, which again I wouldn't take. Would you take the stress to walk toward a seat to sit down beside someone you couldn't even glance at for one second? Sometimes, I could do that, but not today. I leant on the metal pole beside the door, and awkwardly stood there, occasionally shifting my position. Silence was the only thing you could smell in the air, since my nose was probably congested as usual. And boy did I hate not sitting down -- I was the only one standing. Actually, I don't know for sure. With all that anxiety going up and down, my eyes weren't working too well.

"The next station is --" the machine voice said, and I endured a tremendous load of shame just turning toward the door. I don't know why or when getting ready to exit the train became an crime, but it just did, specifically for me. Sheesh, more effective than any government legislation could do. Anyhow, I got off and headed home without further complications.

What an adventure.