A particularly bitter moment

I really do long for change, and I've always been looking for acceptance amongst various groups. I haven't succeeded yet, and I think it's probably a safe bet that I'm not going to find a new home in any human groups this decade. It's true that I'm a pessimist, but my thoughts are justified.

I'm not just looking for any kind of acceptance. I want to become part of the mainstream; I want to be accepted by most people, or just many people. I want people to see me for who I am and come back for more willingly; I don't want to advertise myself, put on a façade, and beg frantically for attention so that a handful of people might consider giving me a second glance. That's what I've always been doing and I've had quite enough of that throughout these years. I really hope to be able to proclaim one day that people will see me for who I am and decide that they want to see more of me; that I will no longer insult my own intelligence bugging random passers-by and hoping that they might stop long enough to find the pitiable clown behind the act interesting.

I recall that I used to frequent a bookstore. There was a person working there who my intuition told me would at the very least make a great acquaintance. This desire for acceptance kept me going back every time, despite the strong anxiety, and sometimes I would spend a long time standing behind a bookshelf, staring at them and daydreaming about how my life would eventually turn out for the best if so-and-so would accept me and be supportive. Daydreaming, indeed. In the end, I accomplished nothing, and whoever it was didn't even know I existed.

That's not the only example. I do similarly stupid things online as well -- sitting in an empty chatroom for hours at midnight, for example, waiting for that special someone to show up and blissfully enjoying the brief exchange such as this conversation below:

(0:03:05) Me: hi so-and-so
(0:03:08) SnS: hello room
(0:03:25) SnS: i heard the best joke today from my mate, it was about a blonde and her dogs
(0:03:44) SnS: oops i need to take out the rubbish brb
--Later--
(2:52:55) SnS: back
(2:52:59) Me: wb
(2:54:03) SnS: gonna play starcraft back later

Or maybe just look at this bash.org quote which people find hilarious. Is it funny? I guess if one is feeling particularly mean-spirited, anything can be funny. I don't find it any more funny than dead baby jokes right now.

So perhaps you can see why I'm a pessimist. You don't keep faith in big dreams when you know that people see you as a total loser. At leest I'm smertar then da avridge purssen on teh streat, write? Ewe kan alwaste kown ton hewmun stew piditty as a fie null copowt; dat's tha own lee grate ding abowt be-yng hewmun.