Do they even remember me?

I'm a person who doesn't quite know how to say no.

Generally speaking, I'm probably one of the most generous people around here, compared to other zero-income families or college students. I would just give, one twenty-dollar bill at a time, or sometimes a buck or two, or sometimes everything in my purse. Ouch. Whoever comes my way, looking desperate, or hungry, or with a pleading face, here's your money.

Unless in the scenario, of course, giving makes me feel worse than just turning away and finding another path. For instance, if I'm in a very crowded station, with hundreds of people running around, then it's not a good idea to stop and endure the one-second wrath of those having to slow down and walk around me. Another example might be when there are groups of people standing there, looking at my general direction; if I somehow stop at someone asking for bus fare or something, I attract much more unnecessary attention to myself.

On the other hand, if the person asking for money stands in my way and addresses me directly, then I simply must take out my wallet and give something, usually at least four quarters if I don't have anything else. This, of course, feels extremely embarrassing, and sometimes the anxiety attack would just leave me utterly paralysed in fear, my face completely flushed. My vision would lose focus, and as a result I often don't remember what the person looks like, unless I see them on a regular basis.

And this leads me to another curious point, and that is beggars that appear regularly in a specific area at specific times. When I was attending university, I had to commute, and there was one individual that would be there at least once a week, even though he usually didn't stay around for too long. Each time I saw him, I gave a little, and eventually he recognized me once. There was very little verbal exchange, of course, and the fellow moved on quickly every time.

My family sometimes would say to me, "Don't give to them, those bums are too lazy to find work and they're just leeching off society, and they're getting comfortable because people give to them." Maybe they're right, but I like to assume good faith. After all, who's too "lazy" to find work, "leeches" off society, and gets an adequately "comfortable lifestlye"? Oh yeah -- that's me. I sometimes wonder if they're being sarcastically judgemental.

Even though after I left school, I just stopped going out, I'm still a little puzzled, and maybe curious, about the reactions of those people I gave to. Some of them did look like they were homeless, although they could be Bill Gates' cousins for all I care. The only thing I want to know is, do they even remember me, and do they even give me a second glance? Do they think of the stranger that dropped a ten-dollar bill into the plastic cup decorated with half a dozen pennies? I don't mean to sound stingy or anything, but I just wonder. How much do people think about others that do little things for them? How much do people think about strangers passing by their lives? How much do they think about people they exchange eye contact with?

I'm the kind of person that dreams about acquaintances and strangers at night. This has nothing to do with attraction; this is just something general for me. Maybe just a passing thought about that person I almost bumped into at the store, about that couple I held the door for, the kid who asked for a bus ticket, and the old lady that mumbled something at me, and so on. What was on their mind, what were they thinking, and what are they thinking now?

Do they even remember me?