The art of talking sincerely, especially to a social phobic

The art of talking sincerely will be today's topic. What is the art of talking sincerely? It's basically making sure every word and every combination thereof that comes out of the mouth is artfully considered and refined for the maximum efficiency. It means speaking with a sensitive tongue and an open heart; it means the right number of words, the right tone, and the right volume, all without any hint of insinuation. It is saying exactly what is meant, without hyperbole or emotionally-charged wording. This art naturally is important beyond all scope for a social phobic like myself.

It's no secret that sometimes people blurt out words without thinking too much into the meaning, explicit or implicit. Some people even act like this most of the time. For people not troubled by any sort of social anxiety, this is sometimes merely annoying and often harmless, but for social phobics, this is a nightmare. How would someone react to an insensitive remark? People normally have the option of showing their displeasure, but social phobics have no option but to keep their mouths shut, unless under extreme circumstances, and feel let down.

I'll clarify with an example. Let's just say you are doing a group assignment. There is a quiet person, a social phobic -- though you have no idea -- whom you barely know in the group. This person typically doesn't respond clearly to questions, and rarely speaks up in meetings. Though this person communicates adequately enough in writing, it's often frustrating trying to understand what she is saying verbally. One day, she again says something you don't quite understand and fails to explain when requested; out of frustration, you blurt out, without direct eye contact as you are working on your portion of the assignment, "Whatever, you lazy jerk." Your tone is casual, your voice soft, and you even have a tiny smirk on your face, which quickly fades away as you refocus on your work. The words you have just said are quickly brushed aside, as you frequently say such things jokingly or sarcastically to friends (in fact, this may symbolize an unconscious rite of passage of sorts for her). What message does this gesture communicate?

Let's switch to the perspective of the social phobic. She probably isn't in the group of her own volition, and chances are she doesn't really know anyone on the team. She is not necessarily incompetent; in fact, she might have many great ideas, but is merely unable to express them in live meetings, the primary place to exchange and decide on ideas. The others, not knowing her or the extent of her abilities, may avoid taking the initiative to speak to her. The social phobic, therefore, feels misunderstood and neglected, and may be contributing a limited amount of work as a result of inadequate communications. The others, when speaking to her, use short sentences, sometimes impatiently or reservedly, and are thus vague and imprecise in their exchanges. To the social phobic, their speech may appear to contain much sarcasm or insinuation.

As for this specific remark from you, the social phobic will take in every part of the message into the equation. Eye contact is missing, showing that there is probably a bit of contempt and hostility. You continue to work on the assignment, and this appears to her to be an act that accuses the social phobic of not doing much work. Your tone is normal, meaning that it is likely what you normally think of the social phobic, as a "lazy jerk", and demonstrates a rude and uncaring personality. The tiny smirk on your face is a possible sign of judgemental sarcasm, and its quick disappearance a sign of your deep displeasure at her.

What will the social phobic do? Probably nothing, except that in the best scenario, she will distance herself from you, remember this act of aggression, and bear a scar -- for years to come, without ever letting you know; in worse scenarios, anything can happen.

Here, one can clearly see that a careless remark can and will have a significant impact on others. I use social anxiety as an example because it's what I can relate to most vividly, but there are plenty of sensitive people out there who may not have severe social anxiety and who may appreciate a little extra sensitivity and sincerity in the way people speak to them. So, try to dump the cynicism and show a little good faith. It is small steps like these that will make the world a better place.